McLame? McSame? McGame?

I believe this is enough said.

-Talk Hard

Hey, hey, we're the... no, just no

"I made this weird Obama Monkey doll to please you.
But I get the feeling that you don't like it- what's with all the screaming?
You like monkeys.
You like Obama.
Maybe you don't like weird dolls so much.
Maybe I used too many monkeys.
Isn't enough to know I slandered Obama making a gift for you?"

Yeah. That's pretty bad. But as bad as it is... my cold, cold soul thinks it's cute.

Here's the website: www.thesockobama.com/index.html

Apparently, the owner is a guy from Utah who donated to Mitt "Guy Smiley" Romney, to the max. I swear, this stuff just writes itself.

-Talk Hard

At The Movies

Beowulf (or beeawolf, or wheetabix, or whatever): A Review.

 

Well, lets start by saying I saw this in IMAX 3D.  Immediately this calls to mind vistas of frozen tundra, miles of open grasslands and helicopter glory shots of Niagara Falls.   Not that any of that is really impressive anymore, we can go and actually SEE these things without the benefits of bi-polar (or whatever) glasses, what in this day of cheap travel and plentiful resources.   Why pay $10 a pop when you can just hop in your jet, and be there in 4-5 hours, right?  Heh, yeah.

 

Now, to say that this film was made to be seen in 3D is a bit of a misnomer.  Literally, the first shots are so blatantly effect laden that it's hard to fathom who they thought they'd be fooling if anyone saw this in a standard theater.   By standard, I mean those flat, cardboard cutout films that really have no place in the avant-garde arena of modern 3D films.  I mean, come on!   When a Danish lifeguard points his spear at the camera, don't you want to feel like it's pointing at you?  Or- from my vantage point, at the guy in the 3 ^rd row of the theater?  That guy was in for it, let me tell you.  First, he gets yelled at by a cartoon panda before the show, then, Olaf the Guardian of the Danish Coast thrusts a spearhead 2 inches from his face!   Guy can't catch a break.  Probably got a flat coke from the refreshment booth as well.  Hey, dude- watch out for the stale, solid Junior Mint in the box!   You know its there!

 

"Did somebody say cheap 3D tricks?" should be the motto of this film.  Seriously.   Rippling muscles, pointy swords, throbbing eardrums, gravity defying breasts, and drippy, drippy blood, all in glorious coming-at-you threedy.  Don't get me wrong, I loves me some 3D, but holy hell, you'd think this was a pitch film.  

 

Okay, beyond the gratuitous drugging and date raping of the 3D effect that Beowulf does, it wasn't that bad of a story.   I know that some people complain that it deviates from the "source material" too much, but let's face it- a 1000 year old poem about some Scandinavian mercenary isn't as sexy as it sounds.   The Anglo-Saxons pretty good, but writing for today's savvy movie audience wasn't something they could really pull off.  And even if they could, talk of a Writer's Strike back then would probably get your lollies lopped off, double four time.   So, let's allow some modern liberties to be taken without bemoaning the loss of good taste or sense.  I mean- this isn't Harry Potter, okay?  

 

Lots of gratuitous near-nudity here, as well- and not all of it the good kind.   Yes, there's plenty of Jolie-hotness going on, but guess what?   It's not her body, kids.  Nope.  You'll just have to Google Image Search with safesearch off for the real deal.   Go ahead.  I'll wait.

 

Done?  Cool.   Yeah- some old king and young stud flesh awaits you during your viewing.   Plus, some of the best "covering of the naughty bits" since Austin Powers.  Why hello, Beowulf- is that a candle, or are you just happy to be fighting a troll as nature intended?   

 

Speaking of trolls- Grendel portrayed by Crispin Glover is weird and funny at the same time.  Considering Crispin is pretty much Grendel without the skin condition and sensitivity to raves, it wasn't what I'd call a stretch.   I wouldn't be surprised if he gets pigeonholed as a troll for the rest of his career.  "Hey, Steven Spielberg- if you're planning to go ahead with that Billy Goats Gruff project- do we have a troll for you!"

 

Okay, as demon MILFs go, Ms. Jolie delivers.  Aside from the horribly plastic looking performance her digital self gives, I defy anyone to say they wouldn't like to make a deal with that one.   Whoo.  The built in heels were a nice touch, I'd say.  I gotta admit, though, I'd like to have seen the hideous version alluded to as well.   Y'know- it's the dichotomy of uggo and hotness that really drives a good fantasy/action flick.  Worked in Conan, didn't it?   Aside from that, though- since they didn't really alter her face at all, it really came off more as Angelina Jolie-bot… which would be totally cool with me, otherwise.  "Can you guess the name of Billy's planet?    It was Earth!"

 

What I couldn't figure out is why they gave Robin Wright's character Heather Graham's face?  What, is Buttercup not goddamn hot enough for you, Zememkis?   She's goddamed BUTTERCUP!  Men fight giant rats and roll down steep ass hills for her!

 

Strangely enough, some of the best animation/mocap translation comes from Beowulf's sidekick.  The guy actually looks real, and you can glean actual emotions from his face, body language and voice.   That last scene with the eulogy was especially cool.  Guy nearly had me misting up.  Awesome work, whoever animated that.   Give that guy a raise.

 

So, Beowulf- badass for hire, fights big ugly troll.  Shags shiny, hot demon babe.   Shags tiny, cute human babe.  Fights big, shiny, but ugly dragon.  Cuts his own arm off to save the damn day.   Gets classic Viking funeral.  All in 3 dimensions.  A definite step up from what I'd seen of Polar Express.   Lets face it- CG'd Tom Hanks or CG'd Angelina.  Which would you rather see naked and covered with gold?

 

- Talk Hard